As we celebrate the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, Hurricane Isaac continues to ravage the Gulf of Mexico, downing power lines and threatening to disrupt another riveting GOP speech.[i]
"So what?" you think, "That sure sucks for the residents of New Orleans, but I'm 50 miles from any ocean."
Well, you might not have to worry about your basement flooding, but you're never safe from the real threat to America's infrastructure. There is another kind of storm, one that doesn't make CNN headlines[ii], but affects men everywhere across the U.S. and world: crazy women.
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| This hurricane is heading towards Tampa. Your ex is heading towards your house. |
The answer: everything. Hurricanes are classified on the Saffir–Simpson Hurricane Scale (SSHS), into five categories distinguished by the intensities of their sustained winds. To be classified as a hurricane, a tropical cyclone must have maximum sustained winds of at least 74 mph) (Category 1). The highest classification in the scale, Category 5, is reserved for storms with winds exceeding 156 mph.[iii] Crazy chicks, much like hurricanes, are devastating forces that wreak havoc on lives, leave disaster in their wake, and usually somehow involve Kanye West.[iv]
My prediction for the men in the season of 2012? Strong anger, high tempers, and a 40% chance of your car being keyed. Why? Because hell hath no fury like Mother Nature....or a girl you didn't text back.
Category 1 Crazy
Mildly annoying pout in the corner. Will put minor damper on the evening, but most structures remain salvageable.
Category 1 crazies may not even be a female hurricane at all, but a minor storm of angst. These women can usually be found sitting in the corner of the bar sulking over a martini. Maybe she had a bad day at work, maybe a guy hit on her friend instead of her, or maybe her less-attractive cousin just got engaged. Either way, she's in no mood to be social. She can be found sitting at the bar, and at first glance, appears to be texting. However, she is actually uploading music to her "Angry Grrrrlllll" playlist, which consists of such artists as Tori Amos, Hole, Paramore, Alanis Morissette, and Taylor Swift post-John Mayer. (Note: this playlist is called "Angry Grrrrrllll," not "Repressed lesbian playlist.")
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| She'd be a people person if people sucked less. |
Examples of a Category 1 are: The angry blogger, the ignored IT girl, the struggling writer, the female lacrosse/field hockey/softball player, and Kelly Clarkson.
A Category 1 can very easily be dissipated with the right approach. Ask about her blog. Tell her you like indie pop. Have some Vampire Weekend loaded on your phone. Just in case. Discuss an article you read in the Economist. This will convince her that all guys are not indeed Neanderthals. If this fails, pawn her off on the wingman. He owes you one, I'm sure.
Category 2
Schizophrenic windy conditions will cause mild confusion and extreme frustration
A Category 2, while not the strongest storm, is one of the most volatile. On a radar map, this storm appears to be normal, but alternates winds in clockwise and counter clockwise directions. She seems well-put together, coherent, and decent looking. But be prepared for all three (or five of her personalities). One minute she'll talk about how much she hates men, then she'll talk about how her and her ex-boyfriend parted on good terms. Ten minutes later, every ex-boyfriend will be an asshole. Her mood swings aren't triggered by any weather pattern or conversation topic, but rather an arbitrary force of indecision.
Examples of a Category 2 are: The girl who really wants a boyfriend so she can get married and have kids, the girl who wants to just have fun and hook up, and the girl who really loves her ex boyfriend and wants to get back together with him. (Note: all three girls inhabit the same body)
While this woman may be hard to predict, it is not impossible. You need to measure how long it takes her to switch personas and develop an algorithm to remain one step ahead of her. (If people ask why you have a TI-84 at the bar, whisper that it's a beta prototype of the iPhone 6 and offer to sell it to them for $700.)
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| Category 3's travel in packs. That's her friend (and maid of honor) trailing behind. |
Extreme Desperation Will Occur
These women are described as pathetic, desperate and annoying. They cause some emotional damage to men and single-handedly support the Hollywood romantic comedy industry. This storm is on a set trajectory towards any man 21-40 not wearing a wedding ring.
Now, I ain't sayin' she a gold-digger, but.....
Before you even notice her in your peripheral vision, she's already picked out your wedding colors and flowers (peonies and ranunculus), items for your wedding registry (I hope you want a Keurig® Vue™ V700 Single Cup Home Brewing System), and the names of your first children (Elijah and Emily).
This storm, while not the strongest, is the fastest-moving storm. Why? Because she's ON A DEADLINE! Do you realize that she was supposed to be married at age 21, have her first child at age 23, her second at 25, and her third at 27? Well, guess what? She is 25 years, 3 months, and 12 days old. It's OK, she can still somewhat salvage her plan if she has triplets! This means she has to lure you in RIGHT now- she already reserved the Botanical Gardens for a January 19 wedding. The clocks ticking!
Of course you, because you're a man and have a small brain, won't realize this immediately. In fact, she will seem quite normal, until she starts talking. She'll want to know what you do, how much money you make, where you went to high school (so she can better assess your parent's income), and grill you about your single status. She, on the other hand, will still live with her parents, not because she's fallen on hard economic times, but because if she signs an apartment lease, how will she move in with you in two months????
The best way to combat this storm is to beat her at her own game. Consider making the following statements:
"I can't wait to live with a girlfriend. Do you think your parents will be cool with me parking my bike in the garage? Is your bed a queen? Can we crash there tonight? I don't want to sleep in my truck again."
"I like your last name. Do you mind if we take yours? I've got some...uh...outstanding warrants in the state of South Carolina..."
"I want children too. Or, should I say, more children. My five are growing up so fast. (Pause) Oh, don't worry, I only have two baby mama's."
"Speaking of children, you have the most beautiful red hair. Since I practice Satanism, our child will be a hit at worship service."
Category 4
Batten down the hatches, board up the windows, and stock up on bottled water and porn.
Category Four storms can often be confused for the zombie apocalypse due to inaudible, inhuman sounds, piercing wails, and unidentifiable faces. This chick isn't just sobbing quietly, but is in full-on nuclear meltdown mode. There is a high possibility that this girl will become a member of the Forever 27 club after being found dead in a hotel room.
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| Tell her she's pretty dammit! Her daddy never did! |
These storms are 90% of the time a result of a combination of perceived wrongdoing by the opposite sex and Bacardi 151. Between her choked sobs and hacked cough, she'll ask if you think she's pretty. Despite her newfound Insane Clown Posse meets homeless bath salt victim look, you'll say yes, just to shut her up.
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| Why does no one love me???? |
Category Five
Hurricane _________________ [Insert ex-girlfriend's name here]
Remember in Katrina the video footage of the fucktards stranded on their roofs waving to Anderson Cooper? And you were sitting there thinking, 'didn't someone tell them to evacuate?'
Yes, someone did tell them to evacuate. They were the ones who didn't listen. They thought it would be different this time. They thought it wouldn't be so bad- the levees were more stable than the past.
Guess what??? It's never different! The Level Five is the most dangerous because she's a deadly combination of crazy and crafty. She knows where you live. She knows where you work. Her equally crazy friends share this knowledge. Let's suppose you have an ex-gifrliend who has honed crazy to an art form. We"ll call her Bethany. When Hurricane Bethany makes landfall, expect a shitshow to occur, compete with screaming, yelling, and crying.
Storms of this strength produce rainfalls of up to 16 oz. in the form of a Coors light thrown in your face.
Damage to automobiles occurs, in the form of “Justin Temple is an asshole” keyed on the side of your car.
Your wingman? Forget it. George Bush has a better chance of being presented the NAACP Lifetime Achievement Award by Kanye West than you have of your wingman backing you up.
In this instance, FEMA advises the following:
RUN, dumbass, RUN! Don't save your pictures, your flat screen, your mom. Just get the fuck out of dodge. Run to the nearest FEMA refugee camp and get a plane ticket as far away as possible.
If all else fails, pray for Sean Penn to come by on his motorboat and save you. After all, he knows crazy bitches: he was married to Madonna for two years.
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| A storm only has one eye, she has two eyes- and they are both crazy. |
