Seven Fun Fashion Facts: Furry boots throughout history

Have you ever woken up, wondered what to wear, and thought, “Gosh, I wish I were a cave woman?”

No?  Really?  Come on, think of how easy that would be.  Get up, let the ol’ Sabertooth out of the cave, and just throw on a wooly mammoth carcass.[1]

   

Over the years, fashion has evolved.  From corsets and petticoats to furry boots and pants with “Pink” written on the ass, fashion has endured the good, the bad, and the utterly ridiculous.[2]

So enjoy some fun historical fashion facts:

1. Louis Reard’s original bikini consisted of only 30 square inches of fabric.

Now, I broke out the TI-84 and did the math for you.  It would look something like this:

(Imagine that on the average woman, and you have an image that is not only NSFW, but also not safe for healthy vision.)

2. Napoleon Bonaparte introduced buttons on sleeves. He did this so that soldiers didn’t mop their running noses using their sleeves.

(If he really wanted to stop them, he’d have used spikes.  You don’t see anyone wiping their nose on Janet Jackson’s boobies, do you?)

3. Speaking of body jewelry, society today thinks of jewelry as a woman’s item, but in the past it was men who wore it to demonstrate their social status. 

Lil Wayne’s “status update”

4. During the Rennaissance, it was only considered stylish to have silvery-blonde hair.

(Guess Joan Rivers was born just 15 years too late.)

5. Ancient Egyptians were way ahead of the Kardashian sisters when it came to leopard print.  The Egyptian priests used to wear leopard skin loincloth.

Who wore it better???

(I think God is going to strike me down for using “Kardashian” and “priest” in the same sentence.)

6. According to Mark Carlson at the University of Tulsa, the earliest shoes appear in cave drawings and are assumed to be made out of a bearskin sole and plant fibers woven together in a “foot bag."

You think it’s annoying to have to drive to the mall to get shoes? These people had to HUNT A BEAR, KILL THE BEAR, and SKIN SAID BEAR.  Then, they had to go pull up some plants and weave their shoe together.  Think about that the next time you complain that your kitten heels are killing you.

7. Thongs were invented to placate New York City mayor Fiorella LaGuardia in 1939, who believed that the city’s nude dancer’s were showing too much skin.

Should Anthony Weiner become mayor of NYC, he has promised to overturn any laws requiring women to wear underwear.

That’s just a few to start out with.  If anyone knows who invented guy-liner and skinny jeans for men, please let me know so that I might publicly mock them on the Internet.

[1] Or, depending on the year, elephant skin.  Wooly mammoths were SO ice age.

[2] Did I mention furry boots?  Yes, yes, I did.

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A Hot Girl's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

It’s 2014 and the zombie apocalypse is upon us! You’ve read the Zombie Survival Guide and have perfected your shooting technique. You’re prepared to enter into battle with the undead and emerge victorious. You will rule the post-apocalyptic world with an iron fist. There’s just on problem: how are you going to maintain your hotness?

Let’s face it- there’s going to be no more spas, no more Brazillian hair straightening treatments, no makeup counters- nada! So how is a girl to stay hot in the zombie apocalypse? Just follow this handy guide- much of the equipment in your survival kit used to slay oncoming zombie hordes can also double as beauty tools. And, if you know where to look, nature can provide the rest.

1.     Mirror.

This one should be obvious. A girl needs to check her bangs as well as use a mirror to signal other survivors or peer around corners in darkened warehouses.

2.     Recon-M Flashlight 

      Think of this flashlight as a multi-light mirror. Instead of daylight, soft light, and office, you can view yourself in green, white, blue, or just pure terror.

3.     Cross blade necklace

Every girl wants to accessorize, even when slaying the undead. No longer will blue Tiffany’s boxes be a coveted item, but instead, jewelry will have to combine function and fashion. This cross blade necklace not only can be used to stab an oncoming zombie in the eye socket, but also to ward off vampires in the event of a vampire apocalypse.

4.     Go Bag

Once the zombie masses have descended on the world, no longer will Prada purses be a coveted item. Instead, the utilitarian go bag will be handy for carrying all of your gear. Bonus: it’s black, and as we know, EVERYTHING goes with black, including bloodstained and gore-covered outerwear, the seasonal favorite of the zombie apocalypse. 

5.      Natural hair dye (ingredients dependent upon your hair color)

Let’s face it, the zombie apocalypse will be a stressful time for all involved, probably causing many of us ladies to go prematurely gray. (In the apocalypse, 25 will be the new 90.) Luckily, you can make your own hair dye. Check out this website to see how to make your own hair color using ingredients found in nature. Brunettes, for example, can use walnut shells, black tea, cherry tree bark, and cloves.

6.     Sunscreen

This should be obvious, but you’re going to be spending A LOT of time outdoors- foraging for food, slaying the walking dead, and learning archery (because as we all know, a silent kill is a smart kill). There won’t be any spas or fancy laser treatments to remove those age spots. But if you still want to have nice skin…

7.     Honey

Honey is a natural exfoliator and moisturizer. Put a little on before you sleep and wake up feeling refreshed (and probably sticky).

8.     Water purification system.

In the zombie apocalypse, many people will die not from zombie bites, but from waterborne infections. Keep your water clean by including a water purification system in your kit. In the zombie apocalypse, there are no ladies rooms, so you will want to minimize any chance of “intestinal discomfort.” Also, staying hydrated is important to keeping your skin supple and healthy.

9.     Black face mask

If all else fails and you just don’t feel sexy, consider investing in a black face mask. Because, let’s face it, the only “tens” in a post-apocalyptic world will be the chicks who can stay alive.