So this weekend I had an epiphany: It’s been a year since I
moved to Salt Lake City, Utah. Some days it seems longer, some days it seems
like I just got here. Some days I feel like a regular when I go downtown or to
the coffee shop and some days I still get lost driving to the gym. While I
stocked up on winter coats before moving to Utah, nothing prepared me for the
odd questions that I’d get asked by people from all over the country. Over the
last year, I have kept note of the most bizarre questions that I’ve been asked
about Utah from people elsewhere in our great country. I feel that I am now
qualified to answer these burning inquiries. Please read below:
1. How many wives do most people there have?
.88. (Women in Utah are
12% skinnier than the national average.)
2. Have you ever seen a sister wife?
No, but once I saw a
really old guy at Gracie’s with four ladies half of his age. I think they
were prostitutes though...
3. What about…the
Mormons? (Always asked in a whisper
the same way someone might ask about the
blacks or the Jews.)
Uh…..what about them?
4. Do you worry about the Mormons?
Worry about what?
5. Well you know, getting kidnapped and some guy making you
his sixth wife….
To my knowledge, that
happened one time twelve years ago and Elizabeth Smart is still milking it for
all it’s worth. I guarantee you that some fundamentalist isn’t going to kidnap
a snarky middle age woman. (By their standards, a woman becomes middle age at
22.)
6. But maybe….you never know…
I worry about getting
kidnapped by a religious whack job just slightly less than I worry about
getting Ebola and just slightly more than a satellite falling out of orbit and
crushing my beloved jeep. I’m six blocks from the Mormon temple and three
blocks from a homeless shelter. When I walk home at night, which route do you
think I’m taking? I’m also going to go out on a limb here and say it wasn’t a
Mormon missionary that broke into my car…
7. Do you know any Mormons?
Define “know.”
8. Have you ever talked to a Mormon person?
No. I strictly communicate
with them via sign language.
9. So has anyone asked you to be a sister wife yet?
Well, my single guy
neighbors consistently encourage myself and any single girlfriends to join them
in their beds….oh wait…you mean, did any guy want to marry more than one woman and take on more
than one nagging wife? Not a chance.
10. Are there any hot girls there?
Nope. None. Please
don’t creep through my Facebook for confirmation.
11. Do you have to like, wear a burqua there?
Only on Tuesdays.
12. So can you drink alcohol there?
Only if it’s done in secret. Typically, us deviants get
together at an undisclosed location and go into the closet to drink. You have
to know the secret password if you want a beer.
13. What about coffee?
Ugh, we have so many hipster dens (a.k.a coffee houses,) in Salt Lake that this city is singlehandedly keeping Apple and sriracha (a.k.a. "the hipster ketchup") in business.
14. Do you ski year-round?
No, silly. In July, we
snowboard.
15. Are there any gays there?
Yes, but they have to
stay in the aforementioned closet (see question 11).
16. Are there any black people there?
I don’t really know.
It’s hard to tell because we apparently exist in a perpetual blizzard (see
question 14).
I’m sure there’s more, but I don’t know how many times to
explain to people that my neighbors aren’t fundamentalist polygamists and that
I’ve never met Mitt Romney or Karl Malone nor do I snowboard with Shaun White on the weekends.
