Weave bombing: the latest threat to America

The threat of terrorism is real.  How real?  Well, depends who you ask.  If Bill O'Reilly is to be believed, and he always is, there's probably a terrorist hiding under your bed right now.[1]  (Rick Santorum is more worried there’s a used condom under there).

But all joking aside, as long as humans have been around, so have war and animosity towards ones enemies.  The United States has enemies.[2]  I'm not going to deny this.  So what is our government doing to keep us safe from these enemies?  How are they preventing another September 11 attack?

Is the government amending it's foreign policy to and withdrawing troops from Afghanistan?  No.  Are they opening dialog with foreign officials of hostile nations such as Iran?  No.  Are they building positive relationships through free trade?  Not a chance.

Threats to America.

Instead, the MENSA rejects in Washington are increasing TSA restrictions, naturally.  Obviously, shoes have been a threat since 2002 and bringing bottled water through security is now akin to bringing crack to a kindergarten class.  The underwear bomber?  Yep, we all remember that guy.  

Now I don't have top secret security clearances to classified material, but I can tell you this: the latest threat comes not from hiding explosives in ones shoes, underwear, or any other body orifice.

What's the latest threat?  Weave bombing.

Yes, our government officials have taken a stand against this threat.  And who is suspect number one?  Yours truly, Zoe.  (Or any other girls who wears hair extensions).

The last few times I've gone to the airport, after going through the TSA full-body scanners, I've had the pleasure of receiving a pat down.   

This man is keeping America safe from me.

On.  My.  Head.

(Yeah, kinda like a golden retriever).

The last time, I followed the instructions, removed my shoes, sweater, and belt and assumed the position in the tube. 

Side note: The full body scanner is the same dimension as the spray tan booth.  If the government really wants to make a little cash, they could combine the two.  If you thought sitting next to the 350 lb. woman on the plane was rough, imagine watching her disrobe naked and get sprayed with orange lotion.

Upon exiting, the TSA female officer said, "I'm going to need to pat your head."  She then proceeded to FEEL MY HEAD FOR POTENTIAL EXPLOSIVES.

Do you know how embarrassing that is?  I don't mind admitting I have hair extensions.  Hell, I wrote a blog about it.  I just don't think my business needs to be put out there like that in front of a line of business people heading to San Antonio.[3] 

I wasn't singled out.  I saw them pat down a few other adult females, and my personal favorite, a small African American girl who couldn't have been older than two.  Her offense?  She had pony tail holders with metal balls holding her hair back. 

I have no idea how it would be physically possible to even hide explosives in my hair.  It's not like I have a bird’s nest or a beehive on my head.   What the hell could I be hiding in there???????  I'm not a bomb expert, but I'm pretty sure most explosives are wider than a few millimeters.

Also, think about the germs that could be spread from head to head.  Hairdressers sterilize their combs and scissors between clients whereas TSA uses the same gloves for everyone.

This epitomizes ridiculous.  Is our government so daft and resistant to real solutions to combat terrorism, which their hand puppet, the TSA, is putting on this show for everyone?  I'm really sure the passengers on my plane felt much safer knowing that I had a thorough pat down.  I'm barely 110 lbs.  I could probably have an RPG and get easily disarmed. 

So sleep well tonight, my friends.  The government is taking all necessary precautions to protect you from scary men in turbans and girls with long hair.  Plus, I could never be a suicide bomber.  I just paid $400 to get these extensions done.

Next time, I am doing my hair like this.  Wait, is that BACON????

---

[1] Go check.  Immediately. 

[2] Really?  Everyone doesn’t love the Dallas Cowboys, processed food and forced occupation?

[3] As the female agent was patting down my head for explosives, she was simultaneously complimenting me on my extensions however.