Much like God gave Moses the Ten Commandments back in the day*, I am about to give you the 2011 fashion commandments.
1. Speedos. Do not wear them. Ever. Unless you are IN the Olympics, Speedos should be outlawed from hot tubs and Bahamanian beaches everywhere. I saw a guy wearing a Speedo the other day at the gym. He was swimming slower than a snail with down syndrome. The point of Speedos are to decrease drag. In this guy's case, his 120 extra pounds of lard was more than enough drag. Icky....
2. Sweaters with snowmen on them. Even when my late 86 year old grandma was on her deathbed, my grandpa would not permit her to leave the house in such horrendous threads. Why don't you just instead scream, "I am old, going through menopause and have no friends except my 8 cats!!!" Plus, those snowmen look like retarded albino penguins.
3. Dollar sign chains. Listen, Tupac wore a dollar sign chain. So does 50 Cent. If you are getting off the public bus in Aurora, it's not cool, it's a fucking oxymoron.
4. Spandex. If you are activly running a marathon or skiing, you can wear spandex. Heavier people in spandex don't bother me if they are running outside....good for them! However, you may not wear spandex if you are 300 pounds and riding your electric cart through Walmart. Spandex is a privelege, not a right!!!
5. Denim jackets. WTF???? Hey bud, 1987 called. It misses you.
6. T-shirts that say "cutie," "princess", "hottie", or "sexy" on them. Unless you are a 9 or a 10 (and I'm the judge), you can't wear them. That's like Paris Hilton wearing a t-shirt that says 'genius." If you're hot, you do not need a shirt to show it. The worst offender was a visibly pregnant and overweight woman with messy hair, bad roots showing, and dragging two kids through the post office. In addition to the super-classy rose on her chest, she bore a t-shirt with the Playboy bunny logo on it which said "sexy." Wrong, so wrong.
7. Guys, you may laugh at that above statement, but here is yours....no fucking skinny jeans!!!! Guys legs just aren't sexy. At all. But "Pete Wentz wears them," you protest. Ok, and he also married the even DUMBER Simpson sister. In a battle of wits between him and a toaster, the toaster would dominate.
1. Speedos. Do not wear them. Ever. Unless you are IN the Olympics, Speedos should be outlawed from hot tubs and Bahamanian beaches everywhere. I saw a guy wearing a Speedo the other day at the gym. He was swimming slower than a snail with down syndrome. The point of Speedos are to decrease drag. In this guy's case, his 120 extra pounds of lard was more than enough drag. Icky....
2. Sweaters with snowmen on them. Even when my late 86 year old grandma was on her deathbed, my grandpa would not permit her to leave the house in such horrendous threads. Why don't you just instead scream, "I am old, going through menopause and have no friends except my 8 cats!!!" Plus, those snowmen look like retarded albino penguins.
3. Dollar sign chains. Listen, Tupac wore a dollar sign chain. So does 50 Cent. If you are getting off the public bus in Aurora, it's not cool, it's a fucking oxymoron.
4. Spandex. If you are activly running a marathon or skiing, you can wear spandex. Heavier people in spandex don't bother me if they are running outside....good for them! However, you may not wear spandex if you are 300 pounds and riding your electric cart through Walmart. Spandex is a privelege, not a right!!!
5. Denim jackets. WTF???? Hey bud, 1987 called. It misses you.
6. T-shirts that say "cutie," "princess", "hottie", or "sexy" on them. Unless you are a 9 or a 10 (and I'm the judge), you can't wear them. That's like Paris Hilton wearing a t-shirt that says 'genius." If you're hot, you do not need a shirt to show it. The worst offender was a visibly pregnant and overweight woman with messy hair, bad roots showing, and dragging two kids through the post office. In addition to the super-classy rose on her chest, she bore a t-shirt with the Playboy bunny logo on it which said "sexy." Wrong, so wrong.
7. Guys, you may laugh at that above statement, but here is yours....no fucking skinny jeans!!!! Guys legs just aren't sexy. At all. But "Pete Wentz wears them," you protest. Ok, and he also married the even DUMBER Simpson sister. In a battle of wits between him and a toaster, the toaster would dominate.
8. Size 0 or 2 if you're a size 16. Wow...you squeezed yourself into jeans eight sizes too small. Come on...the jeans are crying! They are about to break! You don't look sexy- imagine a rubberband wrapped around a marshmellow...got that visual? Yeah, gross.
9. $1200 purses. Listen, if I spent that much money on a purse, you better be damned sure that every time I reached in, I would be pulling out Benjamins. You know what they call someone who buys a purse for that much? An IDIOT!
10. EXTRA Smedium shirts. Listen bro....I know the XS shirt shows off your sweet armband tat, but come on....unless you are making your debut on Bravo, we don't need to see it. No one cares.
*That is the limit of my Biblical knowledge.
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