Why yes, I am a Doctor

I was at Buffalo Wild Wings the other night.  Now, I know what you're thinking- "Classy night out on the town for a romantic dinner."  It was indeed.  Or, would have been, had I not decided to attempt to BURN THE LINING OF MY STOMACH OFF.

Allow me to back up and explain.  I got there and was feeling sort of down on myself.  The conversation amongst the males at our table started out about porn (normal).  Someone pulled up porn on their iPhone (still normal for our crew).  Someone pulled up fat chick porn (if there's a category for it on youporn, I guess it's normal).  Then, they started talking about fat women and knee dimples.

"What's a knee dimple?" I asked. 

"It's where the fat from your upper thigh rolls over your knee- that line there," one guy replied.

I immediately began examining my knees, which I am already super self-conscious about because they are ugly. 

Wait...oh no....what was that?  Oh my gosh!  I had a knee dimple!!!!  Hell, I had a whole knee LINE!!!!

I stood up.

"I have a knee dimple!" I announced, not just to our table, but apparently the non-smoking section of the restaurant.

"No you don't," Alex replied.  That's your quadricep.

"No, no, definitely a dimple," I argued.

"Would you just sit down?" asked Matt.

"I have knee dimples!" I wailed. 

But wait, how was this possible?  I'm not really fat.  Oh my gosh!  It must be because I'm old!  Oh great, now my knees look old!  I googled "old knees" on my iPhone and came back with disturbing images of Courtney Cox and Meryl Streep.    Great, now I'd have to start wearing knee-length shorts.

I was feeling down on myself when I ordered a drink.  The waitress carded me, and as I gave her my ID, I said, "You wouldn't be carding me if you saw my gross old grandma knees."

"You're legs look nice," she replied laughing.

"Oh, you haven't seen me stand up and the ensuing dimpling, jiggling, and rippling that follows."

"Uh...ok....so do you want salt on your margarita?"

"Sure," I replied.  I probably should have thought twice about that as salt wasn't going to help my massive thighs get any smaller.

So there I was, feeling old and haggard.  I picked up a menu and started looking through it.

"The hot sauce is super hot," one person said.

"Oh, my stomach can't handle that," someone else replied.  "I used to when I was younger, but-"

That was all I needed to hear. 

"Fuck it, I'll eat the hot wings," I said.

Everyone looked at me.

"Yeah, I'll eat them.  I've got youth on my side," I stated, in an attempt to prove that I was not indeed eligible for the senior citizen discount.

"Have you ever had the hot wings?" Katie asked.

"Sure," I lied.  "I can handle anything."

"They're not that hot," one guy said.

"Yeah, they're actually good," someone else chimed in.

"Delicious."

"Fine," I said, closing the menu, "It's settled.  Six boneless hot wings," I told the waitress.

Fucking liars.  All of them.  Liars.

I got my wings and I noticed two things.  The waitress brought me two extra waters, a stack of extra napkins, and there were not six wings, but eight.

Apparently Jose in the kitchen doesn't care so much about Buffalo Wild Wings corporate product control policy as he does about just serving the terms of his work release. 

I also noticed my eyes were burning.  Fuck.  This was not going to end well.

I started in on them.

Holy hell, my mouth was on fire.  Seriously.  It was burning.  Ow, ow ow!!!!!

"How are they?" Matt asked, eating his sweet honey BBQ wings.

"They're delicious!" I announced, despite the fact that I couldn't feel the roof of my mouth anymore.  "Stop being a pussy and have some!"

"No."

My eyes were watering.  I think I was breathing fire.  I was on glass number three of water and signaling the waitress for more.

"They're really good," I lied.  "I mean, you know, someone older probably couldn't handle them, but I can."

I was halfway through.  I could do this.

I sucked it up and ate two more.  Then folded.

By this point, my mouth was on fire, but so was my esophogus.  I was pretty sure I was having a heart attack.  Or maybe it was heartburn.  My hands were on fire too from the sauce, so I excused myself to go use the restroom.

I was in the bathroom washing my hands when two overweight women wearing South Carolina jerseys (some stereotypes are true) came in.

"Man, I gotta pee all the time now that I'm pregnant," one said.

"Yeah, it's cuz yer stomach fills with water," Genius #2 replied.

"Nah, it's like my intestines is so full and stuff."

Yes America, these are the people that breed.

I let this scientific debate continue for 90 seconds before I chimed in.

"It's your bladder," I stated.

"Oh yeah!  Thanks!" the one said.

"No problem," I replied, drying my hands.

"So are you like a doctor or a nurse or something?" she asked.

With as straight of a face as possible, I replied, "Nah, but I took science in grade four," and walked out the door.

Fucking priceless, I thought.

Until I realized how much pain I was in, and wondered if it was humanly possible to burn a hole in one's intestines. 

Hmmmm....maybe I need to find a nurse or a doctor :)