Prom: Myth vs. Reality

Ah yes, it's that time of the year again.  The new year is upon us and spring is right around the corner.  For many high schoolers, this brings the exciting ritual that is....prom.

Now, countless movies have centered around this most magical of nights.  In "Can't Hardly Wait," Jennifer Love Hewitt was the prom queen.  In "American Pie," the boys centered on losing their virinity prom night.  And who can forget the perfectly coordinated dance scene with Freddy Prinze Jr. in "She's All That" or the magic between Julia Stiles and Heath Ledger in "10 Things I Hate About You?"

Well, I'm about to shatter your romantic expectations.  A lot.  I'm about to give you the low-down on what to expect at your prom.  To assist me, I will refer to the latest issue of "Seventeen: Your Perfect Prom!" issue:

Now, very few things have changed since I went to prom a couple...ahem...a few... years ago.*

Myth: Words to describe prom: Unforgettable, romantic, magical, unmistakable.Reality: Words to describe prom: Lame, lame, and lamer.

Myth: The girls will magically transform from emo, hoodie-wearing, angst ridden rebels into supermodels.Reality: The models in the magazines I perused were all at least 25 years old and heavily airbrushed.  In fact, most of the girls will wear the exact same dresses from Macy's, then cry in the bathroom for hours when they see someone else looking better than them in it.  Half of them will be in dresses two sizes small, thus promoting the "Diurex and Exlax diet" for two days prior to prom.  This will make for an incredibly pleasant evening when the lady of choice is running to the bathroom the whole night.

Myth: Your guy will magically look like Justin Bieber* once he puts on his rented tux.
Fact: Are you serious?  First off, those rented tuxes smell funny.  If your lucky, your date will attempt to cover up the funny tux smell by bathing in Drakkar Noir, then spritzing (with an entire bottle) of Axe.**   Hopefully unlike my prom date, yours will not wear ski goggles (especially if you're in the midwest)

Myth: Once you rent a limo and arrive at a nice restaurant, such as Red Lobster, you will enter a realm of sophistication and elegance, once only reserved for movie stars and A-listers.
Reality:  AAAANNNGGGG!  Not so fast, ladies.  In reality, your date may do one of three things:

a. Tie his dinner napkin around his head, throw gang signs, and say, "Free Lil' Weezy!!!!  Young Money Fo' Life!"***

b.  Attempt to steal the statue of the little guy peeing from the lobby of Buca Di Beppo
.
c.  Accidentally light your overhairsprayed updo on fire while attempting to light his bong. 

Myth: Everyone suddenly "grows up" and gets along prom night.Reality: Everyone still hates each other.  They use this as an opportunity to make fun of each other.  As was commented to my date, "A little far from the Rockies, bro?"  I also distinctly recall two girls fighting over a guy they dubbed "Mr. Abercrombie."  One said to the other, "I got Mr. Abercrombie now bitch!" 

That was obviously a pretty tough fight.  The girls at HSE liked to keep it gangsta.  (Blatant sarcasm.)  The friendliness level is directly proportional to how much booze has been snuck in under the rented tuxes. 

Myth: The prom king and queen are announced and it's....like...a shocking and momentous occasion!Reality: No one really gives a damn.  No one is ever shocked.  In fact, coincidentally, it is usually the same douchebag and skank that are the class president and vice president, and the same ones who counted the votes.  The only comments are, "Dude....did we vote for that," "I didn't vote for that tool," and "I hope he stabs her in the eye with his specter."

Myth: Everyone suddenly does a coordinated dance to some totally awesome Lady Gaga song.Reality: At best, it will be a lot of white people attempting to do the "Dougie."  Badly.  Very, very badly.

Myth: The "prom song" will forever be embedded in your memory as an unforgettable melody.
Reality: You won't even remember your prom song.  But you will remember your tool of a date taking his tie off, tieing it around his head, and dancing to "....apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur....shorty got low, low, low...."

Myth: After prom, you and your date will have deep meaningful Dawsons Creek-esque conversations about the future of your relationship.
Reality: You probably won't even remember your date's name.  If it is your serious boyfriend/girlfriend, you will probably be praying that in college you meet someone WAY cooler.

Myth: Everyone loses their virginity on prom night.
Fact: Odds are, after spending 8 hours with your date (whoever you got stuck going with), you will probably be more inclined to duct tape their mouth shut, than handcuff them to the bed.

Myth: Prom is the most wonderful night of your life.
Reality: It's not even in the top ten.  Not even in the top 20.  If it is, then I feel really sorry for you! 

However, it is a rite of passage and don't worry....in about 5 years, the smell of Drakkar Noir won't make you want to vomit.  (Too badly.)

* Justin Bieber?  Are you freaking serious?  Come on, he wears eyeliner!!!  Back in my day, at least we crushed on real men like Josh Hartnett, Usher, the Backstreet Boys....ok, I may retract my statement.

**This nauseating smell could cause an interesting reaction if your date has taken a few too many Exlax.

***In the case of my high school, many of the guys actually had trust funds and Israel Savings Bonds, so yes, technically they were "young money."