Now, working out today, I noticed something. Everybody belongs to the gym, but like middle school, there are various cliques and individuals that make a gym the unique culture that it is. It is not all hot bodies like in the magazines, wearing workout clothed by Bebe. No, most of us are wearing t-shirts from high school softball.
So I present to you a detailed description of who you meet at the REAL gym.
The Marathon Enthusiast- This guy (or woman) has calves that could cut glass. They are usually training for some grueling event such as a marathon or an extreme triathlon. They wake up at 4 a.m. and work out, then have a second workout after work. (After having a healthy granola bar and mineral water). To rub it in everyone else's faces how wonderful they are, they have the nerve to smile and wave at everyone who walks by. They are usually older than our parents, but could outrun us on any given day. Everyone else in the gym secretly hopes they fall off the treadmill and break their leg.
The Barbie Doll- This woman actually READS those crappy articles on how to lose weight, although she doesn't really need to. She's not fat, but she's not skinny either. She arrives with every hair in place. She can often times be found coming directly from the tanning bed, reversing her usual GTL routine. Many debates will ensue as to whether or not she is wearing shorts or panties. She will not break a sweat. Her typical habitat is in the tai chi class (which is not real exercise by the way). She will claim she is "trying to build muscle." Other patrons hope the marathon enthusiast will fall off the treadmill and kill her in the process.
The 80's workout guy- For this guy, the ball never dropped for New Year's 1987. He can be identified by his permed mullet and porn star mustache. He will likely be on the bench press carefully ensuring that his Mr. T-style gold chains don't get caught on the bench. He will either be wearing short shorts or American flag hammer-style pants. He will probably be wearing a tank top with the phrase "No Fear," "Fear This," or something equally as cheesy. Bonus points if it's a Hypercolor tanktop.
The Fat Old European guy in a Speedo sitting in the Hot Tub- Enough. Ewww. You get the picture. MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!
The Ballers- These guy's basketball careers peaked in 10th grade when they played for the JV team in high school. However, they will still compare themselves to Carmello Anthony (except they, naturally, have way more game). Their shorts will be sagged down revealing their Tommy Hilfiger boxers. If a stereo is available, they will be listening to Mike Jones (who?) or Nelly. If they make an exceptionally smooth move, they will attempt to duplicate it, especially in the presence of girls who may be watching the game. Bonus points if they mention the 1997 rivalry between Southeastern and Carmel and are still attempting to redeem themselves seven years later.
The Shady Guy- He goes to yoga classes not to harness his inner chi, but to pick up girls. The ballers call him a "queer," but secretly wish they had thought of the idea first. He also attends a Cardio Striptease class because he heard the girls get naked...
The Scenester- This guy or girl will go to the gym and find out where the party's at this weekend, discuss who is hooking up with who, analyze who will hook up with who, and make fun of anyone who hooked up with someone ugly over the weekend. Occasionally he or she will pick up a weight or do some crunches. He or she knows everyone and migrates from crowd to crowd. They know everyone and make it a point to talk to everyone. She may comment on the meatheads muscles or take in the ballers on the court. He can't go more than 5 feet without finding someone to talk to (or annoy). They can usually be found checking their reflection in the mirror and fiddling with their iPod.
The Gamer- This guy clearly does not belong at the gym. He wears his glasses on a safety chain around his neck. His normal habitat is in his mom's basement playing Dungeons and Dragons and polishing his light saber. He takes the kickboxing class in preparation to defend the galaxy from future wookie attacks. He is also building muscle in order to improve his musculature for Call of Duty. Bonus points if he actually is doing an Army Special Forces workout.
The Meatheads- These guys dominate the gym. They were why gyms were invented. They can be found hovering around the squat rack. They spend more time talking about their lifting than they actually lift. Half of their salaries are spent at GNC buying various supplements. This ensures that they will have very expensive urine. The shirt monster* and his distant cousin the sleeve monster** have paid these guys several visits. They wear shirts with quotes such as "The right to BARE arms" and "I got 99 Problems but a Bench Ain't One: HS Powerlifting Team '03." Much like my ex-boyfriends, these guys enjoy going in the locker room and having their friend stick it in their ass (except with these guys, we are talking about steroids). They are usually listening to AC/DC or Metallica. There is a lot of dude-love going on here.
The Nike Dikes- These women make most men look feminine. They can be found around the pull-up bar comparing biceps and talking in unnaturally deep voices. They enjoy slapping each other in the ass and grunting. The scenester avoids these women as they have tried to buy her coffee on one too many occasions. Bonus points if they have bleached mullets and tribal tattoos.
Well there you have it. Next time you go to the gym, check it out. And please, leave your No Fear T-shirt you cut the sleeves off of at home.
So, next time one of those lame ass magazines wants to write an article about "working out," they should tailor it to a broader audience (all of the above patrons) because yes, the old issues find their way to the communal magazine rack. And are read by the meatheads on the bike. Because, you know, we all want to get hair like Reese and a butt like Kim :)
*The shirt monster is a mythological creature which sneaks into guy's rooms at night and eats all of their t-shirts. His distant cousin, the sleeve monster, eats only the sleeves off any shirt which could possibly be worn to the gym. They naturally lurk near military bases and frat houses
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