 |
| Katherine Heigl hates her own movies. |
If
there is one thing all the crappy media outlets are good at doing,
it's putting a spin on things. I don't care if it is CNN, Fox, Glamour,
Cosmo, Sevcnteen, Oprah, Marie Claire, or even Good Housekeeping.*
They LOVE to spin and create false propoganda.
Recently, I've been listening to a few friends complain about being single (I'll withhold names but you know who you are). Time after time, I hear the same things.
"I want a knight in shiny armour."
"I want a sensitive man who respects me as a blah, blah, blah..."
"I want a 6'2" white man with dark brown hair, strong jawline, chiseled cut abs, some facial hair, but not a mustache, who is a doctor specializing in cardiac medicine, is between the ages of 27 and 32, and wears Seven jeans with Steve Madden shoes and has a golen retriever and wants 3 kids. And he has to read Maya Angelou."**
I'm hear to give you a dose of tough love. It doesn't work that way. Life is not a rom-com. You're not Katharine Heigl. There's no Matthew McCaughnehey. You're not Jennifer Aniston, Julia Roberts, or Ann Hathaway. You're not going to meet Jake Gyllenhal at your local Starbucks.
"But Zoe," you say. "I knew a girl who met her future husband while she was horseback riding and he was volunteering with disabled kids at the horse barn."
Liar.
She probably met him at Two-fer-Tuesdays. Or on eHarmony.
So where do women get these delusions of romantic grandeur? One word.
Hollywood.
Rom-com and "wedding reality show" writers singlehandedly have time and time again disseminated false information in the form of Matthew McCaunaghey and Katherine Heigl movies. They set unrealistically high expectations for guys to live up to and millions upon millions of women bitching at their husbands.
"But honey, why do you want to stay in and play Call of Duty? There's a farmer's market and homemade jewelry show...."
So it's up to me, the voice of reason*** to set the record straight.
RomComs (or Romantic Comedy's) ARE NOT REAL!!!!! That stuff doesn't happen in real life. As supporting evidence, I will debunk all these stupid movies and their premises now.
Pretty Woman: This has sometimes been coined as "the original romcom." OK, first off, have you ever seen a hooker that looks like Julia Roberts? In the light of day? Who doesn't have rotted out meth teeth? No. I think not. Everything about this movie is preposterous and ridiculous, but no more than the scene in which Richard Gere takes her shopping and looks on with great delight as she shops for dresses, shoes and accessories. Really? Most guys would have gone and gotten a root canal and simultaneous prostate exam rather than watch a woman shop.
Disney Princess Cartoons (ie. Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Little Mermaid, etc.): The indoctrination of our youth with falsehoods begins at an early age. In the form of animated characters, bright colors, and catchy music. The premise for all the movies is the same: princess has trouble, fairy godmother works magic, Prince Charming saves princess and lives happily ever after. In a fuckng castle.****
When I was little, I never wanted to be the princess. I preferred the role of the fairy, as she wielded power with that wand. (5)
"But Zoe," my mom asked, "why don't you want to be the princess? Don't you want a Prince Charming?" (6)
"I guess so...but he looks kinda dorky," I replied, obviously not down with the plastic-looking hair. "I wanna be the fairy!!!!"
"There's no such thing as a fairy."
"But...but...OK, what about a mermaid?" That seemed like a good backup.
"No such thing."
"Flying carpet?"
"Not a chance," she replied.
She should have continued and told me the mythical "Prince Charming" wasn't real, and that if I was lucky, I'd marry an accountant who was taller than me.
Everytime I see a little girl with a Disney Princess suitcase in the airport, I want to run up to her and scream, "Lies! All lies! You won't marry a prince in a castle! You'll marry some douche with a receding hairline and have a reception in the K of C hall!!!!!!"
Moving on.
Any high school romcom (She's All That, 10 Things I Hate About You, Easy A. or any movie with Michael Cera): Listen, high school is not romantic. The actors in these movies are 30-year-old men who are getting paid handsomly to falsely represent the average high school guy. No one writes love poems or songs in high school. If you're lucky, they might drunkenly sing an Usher song to you on the golf course at 3 am, but that's as good as it's going to get. Love connections aren't made and nothing dramatic or paradigm-shifting ever goes down at prom. There's no coordinated dance scenes, except a lot of white people trying to do the Soulja Boy. Badly. High school dating is so awkward. In reality, you go to prom with some tool who you can stand for one night. They pick you up in their dad's Lexus in an ill-fitting tux. You have a romantic dinner at Red Lobster, sneak Smirnoff shooters into prom, and pray they don't try to dry hump you later in their basement. And they don't look like Zac Efron. Or even Michael Cera.
My Best Friend's Wedding: An oldie, but a goodie. And by goodie, I mean, quite possibly one of the stupidest movies ever. First off, who really believes those lame "if I'm not married by 25/30/35, I'll marry you" deals? I made several of those, and thankfully I never had to use those lines of credit. Another thing about this wedding: who has singing cousins? Most people's cousins come to a wedding a spend all night texting. This movie was also one of the first "big wedding scene" movies I remember. The huge cake? Who built that, Halliburton???? Unrealistic expectations...
27 Dresses: I was in a wedding and I heard one of the fellow bridesmaids bemoaning, "Oh....that's going to be me! I'm single! I've been in 11 weddings and I'm 26 and single! I'm going to be an old cat lady."
Come on, pull your shit together. Do you know what a wedding is? It's a chance to drink free and eat shrimp crostinis. I'd personally like to be in 27 weddings as long as there is an open bar. Anyways, this movie had a deep impact on the American woman pscyhe while 98% of men are unaware of it's existence.
Maid in Manhattan: Have you ever seen a maid that looks like Jenny From the Block? No. The whole movie I spent praying that it was a sequel to Red Dragon and that Ralph Fiennes would kill JLo. And me. Then I'd be out of my misery. Nothing about this movie was romantic or realistic. Now I just worry that the hotel maids are going to try on my clothes.
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days: First off, Matthew McCaunagy is not a romantic. He gets paid (very handsomly) to play a romantic in movies. In reality, he'd like to get stoned, be naked, and play the bongos. Not neccessarily in that order. Any Matthew McCaunaghy movie is discredited due to this evidence.
Same with...
Any Jennifer Aniston movie: Whine, whine, whine. Brad Pitt left her for Angelina Jolie. Whine, whine, whine. America feels sorry for her. Five years later, Brad Pitt is stuck with a haggard-looking shell of a woman (Jolie), six kids, and traveling to third world countries, while Jennifer Aniston is sunning on a beach in Mexico. With her millions of dollars. I don't feel sorry for Jennifer Aniston. I just feel sorry for anyone forced to sit through another one of her stupid romcoms.
Sex and The City (shows and movies): This is misleading for oh so many reasons. First off, Carrie is a freelance writer for a newspaper. There is no way she affords Jimmy Choos, Manolos, while living on her salary. Also, what post-menopausal women still have the drive or desire to seduce hot young shirtless studs? The oldest one (Samantha) is my mom's age in real life. My mom doesn't want to sip martinis and pour hot oil all over some dude's six pack. She just wants to watch Criminal Minds on DVR.
So what do men consider a romantic comedy?
Here's the plotline: Hot girl shows up on guy's doorstep with a case of beer. She rang the wrong doorbell. She was looking for her hot friend who just moved in next door. But her hot tub is not working. The guy, being the sensitive romantic man that he is, invites women to join him in his hot tub. And there is a happy ending, my friends, but not one that involves a mediaval castle wedding...
:)
*Hey Good Housekeeping, those easy no bake cookies? Not so fucking easy. I had chocolate goop.
**WTF??? This isn't f***ing Build-A-Bear.
***That's my line. Fox News, CNN, dibs.
****To be historically accurate, most fairy tales were set in medieval times, and 98% of the population were peasants with no running water subsisting on barley while avoiding the black plague. But you don't see Disney showing them, do you? Do you??
(5) Was "wand" Freudian for something else? Hmmm....
(6) I think this was her pscyhoanalyzing me to see if I was possibly a lesbian. In which case, we'd need some new fairy tales. Involving women in flannel.
Recently, I've been listening to a few friends complain about being single (I'll withhold names but you know who you are). Time after time, I hear the same things.
"I want a knight in shiny armour."
"I want a sensitive man who respects me as a blah, blah, blah..."
"I want a 6'2" white man with dark brown hair, strong jawline, chiseled cut abs, some facial hair, but not a mustache, who is a doctor specializing in cardiac medicine, is between the ages of 27 and 32, and wears Seven jeans with Steve Madden shoes and has a golen retriever and wants 3 kids. And he has to read Maya Angelou."**
I'm hear to give you a dose of tough love. It doesn't work that way. Life is not a rom-com. You're not Katharine Heigl. There's no Matthew McCaughnehey. You're not Jennifer Aniston, Julia Roberts, or Ann Hathaway. You're not going to meet Jake Gyllenhal at your local Starbucks.
"But Zoe," you say. "I knew a girl who met her future husband while she was horseback riding and he was volunteering with disabled kids at the horse barn."
Liar.
She probably met him at Two-fer-Tuesdays. Or on eHarmony.
So where do women get these delusions of romantic grandeur? One word.
Hollywood.
Rom-com and "wedding reality show" writers singlehandedly have time and time again disseminated false information in the form of Matthew McCaunaghey and Katherine Heigl movies. They set unrealistically high expectations for guys to live up to and millions upon millions of women bitching at their husbands.
"But honey, why do you want to stay in and play Call of Duty? There's a farmer's market and homemade jewelry show...."
So it's up to me, the voice of reason*** to set the record straight.
RomComs (or Romantic Comedy's) ARE NOT REAL!!!!! That stuff doesn't happen in real life. As supporting evidence, I will debunk all these stupid movies and their premises now.
Pretty Woman: This has sometimes been coined as "the original romcom." OK, first off, have you ever seen a hooker that looks like Julia Roberts? In the light of day? Who doesn't have rotted out meth teeth? No. I think not. Everything about this movie is preposterous and ridiculous, but no more than the scene in which Richard Gere takes her shopping and looks on with great delight as she shops for dresses, shoes and accessories. Really? Most guys would have gone and gotten a root canal and simultaneous prostate exam rather than watch a woman shop.
Disney Princess Cartoons (ie. Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Little Mermaid, etc.): The indoctrination of our youth with falsehoods begins at an early age. In the form of animated characters, bright colors, and catchy music. The premise for all the movies is the same: princess has trouble, fairy godmother works magic, Prince Charming saves princess and lives happily ever after. In a fuckng castle.****
When I was little, I never wanted to be the princess. I preferred the role of the fairy, as she wielded power with that wand. (5)
"But Zoe," my mom asked, "why don't you want to be the princess? Don't you want a Prince Charming?" (6)
"I guess so...but he looks kinda dorky," I replied, obviously not down with the plastic-looking hair. "I wanna be the fairy!!!!"
"There's no such thing as a fairy."
"But...but...OK, what about a mermaid?" That seemed like a good backup.
"No such thing."
"Flying carpet?"
"Not a chance," she replied.
She should have continued and told me the mythical "Prince Charming" wasn't real, and that if I was lucky, I'd marry an accountant who was taller than me.
Everytime I see a little girl with a Disney Princess suitcase in the airport, I want to run up to her and scream, "Lies! All lies! You won't marry a prince in a castle! You'll marry some douche with a receding hairline and have a reception in the K of C hall!!!!!!"
Moving on.
Any high school romcom (She's All That, 10 Things I Hate About You, Easy A. or any movie with Michael Cera): Listen, high school is not romantic. The actors in these movies are 30-year-old men who are getting paid handsomly to falsely represent the average high school guy. No one writes love poems or songs in high school. If you're lucky, they might drunkenly sing an Usher song to you on the golf course at 3 am, but that's as good as it's going to get. Love connections aren't made and nothing dramatic or paradigm-shifting ever goes down at prom. There's no coordinated dance scenes, except a lot of white people trying to do the Soulja Boy. Badly. High school dating is so awkward. In reality, you go to prom with some tool who you can stand for one night. They pick you up in their dad's Lexus in an ill-fitting tux. You have a romantic dinner at Red Lobster, sneak Smirnoff shooters into prom, and pray they don't try to dry hump you later in their basement. And they don't look like Zac Efron. Or even Michael Cera.
My Best Friend's Wedding: An oldie, but a goodie. And by goodie, I mean, quite possibly one of the stupidest movies ever. First off, who really believes those lame "if I'm not married by 25/30/35, I'll marry you" deals? I made several of those, and thankfully I never had to use those lines of credit. Another thing about this wedding: who has singing cousins? Most people's cousins come to a wedding a spend all night texting. This movie was also one of the first "big wedding scene" movies I remember. The huge cake? Who built that, Halliburton???? Unrealistic expectations...
27 Dresses: I was in a wedding and I heard one of the fellow bridesmaids bemoaning, "Oh....that's going to be me! I'm single! I've been in 11 weddings and I'm 26 and single! I'm going to be an old cat lady."
Come on, pull your shit together. Do you know what a wedding is? It's a chance to drink free and eat shrimp crostinis. I'd personally like to be in 27 weddings as long as there is an open bar. Anyways, this movie had a deep impact on the American woman pscyhe while 98% of men are unaware of it's existence.
Maid in Manhattan: Have you ever seen a maid that looks like Jenny From the Block? No. The whole movie I spent praying that it was a sequel to Red Dragon and that Ralph Fiennes would kill JLo. And me. Then I'd be out of my misery. Nothing about this movie was romantic or realistic. Now I just worry that the hotel maids are going to try on my clothes.
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days: First off, Matthew McCaunagy is not a romantic. He gets paid (very handsomly) to play a romantic in movies. In reality, he'd like to get stoned, be naked, and play the bongos. Not neccessarily in that order. Any Matthew McCaunaghy movie is discredited due to this evidence.
Same with...
Any Jennifer Aniston movie: Whine, whine, whine. Brad Pitt left her for Angelina Jolie. Whine, whine, whine. America feels sorry for her. Five years later, Brad Pitt is stuck with a haggard-looking shell of a woman (Jolie), six kids, and traveling to third world countries, while Jennifer Aniston is sunning on a beach in Mexico. With her millions of dollars. I don't feel sorry for Jennifer Aniston. I just feel sorry for anyone forced to sit through another one of her stupid romcoms.
Sex and The City (shows and movies): This is misleading for oh so many reasons. First off, Carrie is a freelance writer for a newspaper. There is no way she affords Jimmy Choos, Manolos, while living on her salary. Also, what post-menopausal women still have the drive or desire to seduce hot young shirtless studs? The oldest one (Samantha) is my mom's age in real life. My mom doesn't want to sip martinis and pour hot oil all over some dude's six pack. She just wants to watch Criminal Minds on DVR.
So what do men consider a romantic comedy?
Here's the plotline: Hot girl shows up on guy's doorstep with a case of beer. She rang the wrong doorbell. She was looking for her hot friend who just moved in next door. But her hot tub is not working. The guy, being the sensitive romantic man that he is, invites women to join him in his hot tub. And there is a happy ending, my friends, but not one that involves a mediaval castle wedding...
:)
*Hey Good Housekeeping, those easy no bake cookies? Not so fucking easy. I had chocolate goop.
**WTF??? This isn't f***ing Build-A-Bear.
***That's my line. Fox News, CNN, dibs.
****To be historically accurate, most fairy tales were set in medieval times, and 98% of the population were peasants with no running water subsisting on barley while avoiding the black plague. But you don't see Disney showing them, do you? Do you??
(5) Was "wand" Freudian for something else? Hmmm....
(6) I think this was her pscyhoanalyzing me to see if I was possibly a lesbian. In which case, we'd need some new fairy tales. Involving women in flannel.
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