Have you ever woken up, wondered what to wear, and thought, “Gosh, I wish I were a cave woman?”
No? Really? Come on, think of how easy that would be. Get up, let the ol’ Sabertooth out of the cave, and just throw on a wooly mammoth carcass.[1]
Over the years, fashion has evolved. From
corsets and petticoats to furry boots and pants with “Pink” written on
the ass, fashion has endured the good, the bad, and the utterly
ridiculous.[2]
So enjoy some fun historical fashion facts:
Louis Reard’s original bikini consisted of only 30 square inches of fabric.
Now, I broke out the TI-84 and did the math for you. It would look something like this:
Imagine that on the average woman, and you have an image that is not only NSFW, but also not safe for healthy vision.
Napoleon Bonaparte introduced buttons on sleeves. He did this so that soldiers didn’t mop their running noses using their sleeves.
If he really wanted to stop them, he’d have used spikes. You don’t see anyone wiping their nose on Janet Jackson’s boobies, do you?
Speaking
of body jewelry, society today thinks of jewelry as a woman’s item, but
in the past it was men who wore it to demonstrate their social status.
All hail King Weezy!
During the Rennaissance, it was only considered stylish to have silvery-blonde hair.
Guess Joan Rivers was born just 15 years too late.
Ancient Egyptians were way ahead of the Kardashian sisters when it came to leopard print. The Egyptian priests used to wear leopard skin loincloth.
I think God is going to strike me down for using “Kardashian” and “priest” in the same sentence.
According to Mark Carlson at the
University of Tulsa, the earliest shoes appear in cave drawings and are
assumed to be made out of a bearskin sole and plant fibers woven
together in a “foot bag."
You think it’s annoying to have to drive to Cross Creek to go to DSW? These people had to HUNT A BEAR, KILL THE BEAR, and SKIN SAID BEAR. Then, they had to go pull up some plants and weave their shoe together. Think about that the next time you complain that your kitten heels are killing you.[3]
That’s just a few to start out with. If you have any more, please feel free to post them. And if anyone knows who invented guy-liner, I’ll be the first one in Branson’s Time Machine[4] to go back and punch him on behalf of humanity.
Sources:
http://www.personal.utulsa.edu/~marc-carlson/shoe/SHOEHOM1.HTM
[1] Or, depending on the year, elephant skin. Wooly mammoths were SO ice age.
[2] Did I mention furry boots? Yes, yes, I did.
[3] I found this information on a site written by a calceologist, which is someone who makes a study of footwear, especially historical footwear. And your parents thought majoring in theater was obscure.
[4] You know he’s going to invent one.
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