You think you're getting into Heaven? Nah bro, you ate meat on Friday. And you're not wearing a collared shirt.

Lenten season is upon us once again folks!  And that means one thing:  sacrifice.

Listen, Jesus suffered 40 days for your sins.  You can give up chocolate, meat, or something, right???

What's that?  You're not Catholic?  You....you...don't believe that it is a requirement to get into Heaven?  Oh my gosh, you're EATING MEAT ON FRIDAY!!!!!

Sinner.

There's no way you're going to Heaven now.

See, it's like this.  Heaven is like the hippest club ever.  Except you don't have to pay $15 for a Long Island Iced Tea.   And it doesn't reek of Armani cologne.*

The Big Guy?  Oh yeah, he's in back in the VIP section.  You'll make it there.  Eventually. 

But first you have to get by St. Peter.  And St. Peter....well, he is the patron saint of bouncers. All that un-leavened bread they ate in Biblical times?  Pretty much like today's protein shakes.  See when Saint Peter was not busy helping the downtrodden or performing miracles, he was hitting the weights pretty hard.  So now, he stands outside Heaven, regulating who comes and goes. The pearly gates?  Um, pretty much like the longest velvet rope EVER. 

See, he has this list.  OK, the list...well, let's just put it this way....if you ate meat on Friday, well, you just might not be on the list.  Oh sure, unless you did something really bad, he's not going to send you to hell.  He's just going to make you wait in line with the other guys who didn't wear a collared shirt, or, who ordered a pizza with pepperoni or didn't make the proper lenten sacrifices.

"Wait!" you exclaim.  "Why do the hot girls get to go in?"  They ate chocolate even though they gave it up for lent because "their co-workers made cookies and they didn't want to offend them."


"Hey bro," says Saint Peter, flexing his massive, otherworldly, biceps and wings.**

"She's cool.  She's on the list.  You have to wait out here."

"Why?" protest all the other guys in line.

"Listen bro," he says, checking his earpiece, "Jesus- he was a virgin and lived with his mom until he was 33.  He gets the ladies first."

"Plus, you're not wearing a collared shirt."