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| If these guys lived together, we'd call it "The Tool Shed." |
Now, I usually make fun of pop culture and the propaganda of the media, but that movie was quitee actually onto something. Sometimes...well, sometimes, bitches be crazy.
But, as I've found out through my adventures, sometimes, quite often times, guys are actually tools.
An average looking guy can draw a woman in with a simple "hello." But he can repel her with some of the actions listed below. This, my friends, is an advice manual for guys. A how NOT-TO, if you will, with women, based on my own experiences.
1. Don't use numbers. I was at a bar with a co-worker and this guy and his friends were rating females.
"10, 2, 6, 5, 9, 3," and they continued.
I noticed my co-worker, who was honestly so far back in the closet that he could see Narnia was rating the women especially harshly.
"You're kind of a dick," I remarked to him. "Some of them are really cute."
"Nah, no one here looks good."
"Wow," I muttered. "Hate to see what you say about me."
Now, this was meant to be a rhetorical question- an innocent comment at most. But since he lacked the basic social filters to understand sarcasm, he answered.
"I'd say you're a six."
I glared at him. (And the stupid news boy cap he was wearing).
"Well, no, I take that back," he said. "You've got a good personality, plus you're smart. I'd say you're a seven. At best."
"A seven at best? Wow, way to flatter me Brent," I replied.
"Yeah, definietly a seven. Just make sure you straighten your hair every day. It looks better that way."
Asshole.
This past weekend, I was in Cleveland. Cleveland, as you all know, is the birthplace of game. Don Juan- he was really Don Jones- a notary from Cleveland. I mean, come on, there are SO many suave guys there, right?
False.
I was walking to the restroom at a club when a guy half-stumbled, half-tripped into me.
"You're so pretty!" he announced (mostly to the wall).
"Thanks," I replied, politely helping him stand up.
"You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen!"
"Well, thank you, that is very sweet," I replied.
Just then, his friend came up, catching the tail-end of the conversation.
"You are pretty. But I'd say you're the second....or third, yeah, definitly the third....the third-prettiest girl I've ever seen."
Gosh, and here I was hoping for silver. Guess I'll settle for bronze.
2. Don't make me part of your midlife crisis.
So there I was. Innocently jogging through the park in Colorado. I was running past a parking lot when a middle-aged man whom I vaguely recognized waved me over. After chatting, I realized I knew him from the gym and was talking to him and his young boys.
"Well, it's been nice chatting, but I have to go," I said.
"No, no, stay, hang out, and play some frisbee with us," he said.
Well, sure, that sounded fun and wholesome right? I mean, who says no to playing with kids?
I should have.
Ten minutes later, a very angry blonde woman pulled up in her Expedition, got out slammed the door, started screaming at him, waving her hands, and looking in my direction. I wasn't sure what was going on, so I just waved and smiled.
Apparently, it was his ex-wide. The boys got in the car with her and left.
I was left standing alone with this guy.
"So, that was my ex-wife."
No shit, Sherlock.
"And so....I told her you were my new girlfriend....because you're hot naturally. And younger than her. So she was pissed."
"Seriously?" I asked. "Don't make me part of your midlife crisis!" And with that, I jogged away.
Speaking of which....
3. Don't use a girl for revenge.
Now, I'm down to have my picture taken. Just take a look at any of my 783 tagged photos on Facebook. I like it, really, I do.
However.
If you are going to take a picture of me and you with your Blackberry or iPhone, at least wait until I am out of earshot before announcing that you are going to send it to your ex-girlfriend to make her jealous. You bought me a drink then took a pic. It's like you paid $6 to take that pic.
4. Be forward, but not TOO forward.
In the last two weeks, I have heard the following phrases uttered. If you don't see what is wrong here, then you need some serious help.
(While walking down Hay St.):
Nice tits. Want some beads?
(Upon meeting a new girl):
"Brenda, Brenda, nice to meet you! Damn, you look good! I'd hit it!"
5. If you have a messed up family, don't introduce a girl to them to soon.
I remember meeting this guy's family for the first time. They seemed normal enough- as normal as you can be from Texas. The first thing his mom asked me was, "Dear, do you read?"
"Uh, yes, yes, I do. Did Jason not tell you that I am working on my masters?"
"Oh, that's after college, right?"
"Yes, I graduated college a semester early and began immediate work on the masters," I replied.
"Wow," she said. "So you didn't want to get married and have children?"
"Well, I'm only 22," I said. "I think there's still plenty of time."
"So," she said, switching the subject, "I have a book you might like to read."
What was the title? Keep Them Barefoot and Pregnant: Why Women Should Remain in the House?
"I love to read," I replied, being polite.
She literally, I kid you not, pulled out a copy of Ann Coulter's book, How to Talk to a Liberal if You Absolutely Must.
Within the hour, she commented on my child-bearing hips (or lack thereof).
Needless to say, I broke up with Jason shortly thereafter, much to his parents' delight. Not because I didn't seem excited when they showed me their Bill O'Reilly shirts, but because I was too old to produce grandchildren.
6. Do not attempt this from a moving vehicle!
I can't tell you how many times I've been jogging or walking and some douche has driven by and yelled a variant of one of the following phrases:
"Heeeeyyyy!!!"
"Damn you look good!"
"Yo, yo, shorty, lemme holla atchu a second."
"Wanna ride?"
Ok, first off, it's creepy. Secondly, what am I going to do? Stop jogging, stand there and have a pleasant conversation with you on the side of the road while traffic builds up?
I'm really curious to know if this has ever worked. Is there some kid out there saying, "My mommy met my daddy when he called her 'Bootylicious' from the passenger side of a Neon?" If there is, America is even more fucked than before.
7. Do not, under any circumstances, I repeat, do not, hump her couch.
True story.
A few years ago, I had just moved into a new apartment complex. I met this guy in the laundry room who had just returned from Iraq. After chatting a bit, he asked me out to dinner. While he wasn't super attractive, or even super personable, I agreed.
We went to Old Chicago which is a pretty popular Colorado chain and had dinner. We had marginally decent conversation, but nothing special.
After dinner, we went back to our complex. He walked me to my door. Not wanting to be impolite, I asked him in, but ensured him it was crowded as I was living with two other girls in a one-bedroom while we waited for a three bedroom to open up.
He came in and we sat down and started watching TV. My other two roomates were milling about, doing their business, but not paying attention to us. I had offered him a soda, because that was all we had.
I need to preface this important fact because we were not at all drunk. There was NO alcohol involved here.
We were watching TV as he started to scoot closer to me.
"So, Zoe," he said. "You're very pretty."
"Thanks," I replied.
"You know, I don't like skinny girls," he said, inching his way even closer into my personal space.
"Um, OK?" I said, unsure of where this was going.
"I like girls like you. Big ribs, big hips, big shoulders- big sturdy girls."
He smiled.
My jaw dropped.
"What?" I asked.
"Big sturdy girls," he replied, nodding. "You want to know why I like some big, sturdy girls?" he asked.
Out of sheer morbid curiosity, I nodded, trying not to laugh and/or cry.
"Because," he replied, getting off the couch and positioning himself on his knees next to the arm of the couch, "I'm really well-endowed if you know what I mean, and when I'm--"
At that moment, the unthinkable happened. He began to hump my couch.
Yes, he was HUMPING MY FUCKING PLEATHER COUCH.
"You know, when I'm like- ya know, well, a skinny girl- I'd break her or something."
"STOP!" I shouted. "Ok, I get it."
Meanwhile, my two roomates had witnessed this debaucle and were in the bedroom face-down in the bed muffling their laughter in the pillows.
He stopped, and I immediately realized I'd have to Lysol the couch. My first thought, however, was how to get this freak show out of my apartment.
I began watching TV, trying to appear totally disinterested.
All of the sudden, he said, "Oops, look what fell out of my pocket."
I turned and looked.
There, on the violeted couch sat three Magnum XXL condoms. I stared at him with a mixture of amazement and revulsion.
"Are you serious?" I asked.
"So you wanna hit this or what?" he asked.
I took the "or what" option. As would many ladies in any of the above scenarios. So guys, take heed. Know when to talk, what not to say, and above all, remember: don't hump inanimate objects.
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